i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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