I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?