Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
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What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
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Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still