Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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