I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
