ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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