ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
