I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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