totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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