This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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