his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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