I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
