two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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