you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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