woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
