When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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