i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
