i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
