lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
