Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
