I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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