I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
