whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
