Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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