and she was petting her beer can
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
