You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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