im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
