Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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