I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
