I wish I could teleport
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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