that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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