just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
