Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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