Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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