I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
