tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
