Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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