i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
