I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
