Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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