I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
