She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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