Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize