I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
