I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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