oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
