Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
