New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We have started to decorate penises.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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