So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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