we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
