You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
