We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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