When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
