Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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