We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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