Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the day after is always just damage control
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
