Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
We need to get me chipped asap
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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