The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
