Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
