I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
