Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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