I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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