You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
