when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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