the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just had sex on a roof
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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